Communication clashes and mental health

I think I know what I want to write about in this post, but have no idea how to start. This is a common feature in many conversations I have - with most people I talk to, they have to start the conversation, then I can reply or try to take it down a different route. This works well with my more talkative friends, but not so well with people who are reserved or don't start talking without prompting. This one-sidedness doesn't often give me too many problems nowadays though, but that's not what I wanted to write about.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a family member who I'd not seen for a few weeks about what had been happening in general since I'd last seen her. At one point while we were on a bus I mentioned an issue I'd had with something (I can't quite remember what it was now), and before I could explain how it was resolved she said "Oh, so you did this..." and talked about what she'd thought I'd done. I tried to explain that no it wasn't what I did, I'd done something different. "So you did it like that, then you did this..." she carried on. Then she said that I felt a certain way about it. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I really can't stand people assuming how I feel (maybe irrationally so). These assumptions of my actions and feelings resulted in me failing at holding in tears, and this person being hurt and upset that she'd made me cry. When we'd both calmed down a bit, she said that I clearly was having issues coping and with my mental health, and should look into getting more help.

So. My first reaction was to point out that most of the time I manage my emotions well and can cope, however I react like this when people put words in my mouth as it were. And that she's one of the few people who does this. We've had many discussions about how we're both the way we are, how we've both tried our hardest to change and adapt, how we must keep trying for each other's sakes. And I really do try to be 'normal' as it were - it's not as though I'd choose to cry on a bus. So this isn't the first time that we've talked and had tears and misunderstandings as a result, and I hugely doubt that it'll be the last, despite our best efforts. I recognise that she tries her hardest too - it can't be easy dealing with me when I'm in a state and show my traits, or for her to communicate on my level. I think that we both have different communication styles - mine to due Aspie-ness, hers due to culture - and we both do try to adapt to a common ground that others in the UK use. It's not an alien culture to either of us, but thinking about it it's not our 'mother' one, either. It makes things difficult, and I feel bad when we have clashes.

That wasn't the point I'd intended to make, but I'll leave it in.

Anyway, her comment made me think more about my mental health. I think I've said before that I have depression: recently this has been largely manageable, where I've gone for weeks without having a bad patch, and can recognise when I do have a particularly low mood and make sure that I try to prevent myself from getting worse. It's something I'm getting better at, particularly since I had CBT two years ago. I've had two rounds of online counselling and two of face-to-face counselling, on the whole these helped and when I felt that things went badly I went to see friends who'd help me feel better. When I struggle nowadays I often find a group of friends and feel better by being with them, or sometimes phone the Samaritans (just to clarify a misconception, I phone them for non-suicidal stuff). Other times I stay away from people but make sure that I'm somewhere safe like my room and do something like watch TV or take a bath. I choose things that won't frustrate me and that take time, since often my low moods require me to wait them out before I feel better.

Sometimes I think that my depression can be triggered by Aspie-related frustrations such as feeling misunderstood or having an unsuccessful conversation. On occasion I wonder if I'd have depression if I'd received more support for Asperger's when I was younger, since my social difficulties made me feel like a failure and affected my self-esteem a lot. The two aren't the same, as one person suggested to me once, but as I wrote before I do think that they're linked in my case at least.

What do I do then? I can't avoid events which trigger my depression or my Aspie traits or both. I am better at managing both conditions and like to think that I'm continuing to improve, but sometimes the difficulties do make it harder to cope. In winter my depression flares up more (not sure why - less daylight? Cold?) so at the moment I'm considering taking anti-depressant meds to help make the next few months a bit easier. It's not something I've done before and have been reluctant to try (main reason being withdrawal effects), on the other hand if it makes winter easier then maybe they're worth trying. I'm going away on a residential course (Mental Health and Human Rights diploma in India, am quite excited!) in just under a fortnight and will be back in mid-November, so I'll see if I still feel the same way then - I see no point in starting them now since I don't want my body to be in adjustment-period while on my course!

I sometimes consider writing a mental health blog on my depression and diploma course and training I've been involved in, then again I feel that I neglect this blog as it is. Maybe I'll integrate mental health stuff into this blog, since I don't know that I have much more to say on being an Aspie that I haven't already said. We'll see how things go.

Zoomed-in shutdown

A few days ago I had another 'Aspie-attack' (what I sometimes refer to my shutdowns as) when in a shop. When I was growing up I'd often get these when shopping with somebody else and they wanted to buy something that I didn't - I'm not sure why this triggers me. Nowadays I often shop alone so the issue rarely comes up, and when Mum goes shopping I usually wait in the car with a book or the radio. Anyway, this time I was with a few friends (Mark-Clare-Steve) in Brussels: we'd just backpacked across Germany for two weeks (it was such great fun!), and this was our last day before heading home. On our way to the station with a few hours' spare, we stopped off at Lidl for cheapish European goods: at some point in the shop I felt overwhelmed by the others buying things that I wouldn't want (rationally I know they're not charging me for them), and started shutting down.

I've already written a post on shutdowns: this was similar but had the extra element of anxiety. The intense stimuli (whatever my eyes landed upon, e.g. lampposts and street signs) seemed threatening - at the time (and now) I had no idea why, and started repeating phrases to myself to try and calm myself down. You know how sometimes in documentaries the camera zooms in on certain parts of a scene while the narrator gives an overview, e.g. when describing a city the camera gives a panoramic view and then zooms in on certain shop signs or notable features? Once I'd recovered, I thought about how the stimuli can appear like that - as though my eyes zoom in on them and they take up my 'screen'. When we left the shop it took me another half hour to recover - at one point we stopped off at another shop, I had enough awareness and ability to speak (sometimes shutdowns render me mute, it's really frustrating) to say that I'd stay outside and wait. Every so often in daily life I actively think about being conscious, and become more self-aware: coming out of an Aspie-attack is a bit like that, where suddenly I'm aware of being 'me' again. That said, I can choose to think about being conscious, while I can't snap myself out of an Aspie-attack. I'm wondering if it's like my depression in a way: I can't end the bad spell, but can try things that stop me feeling worse, or at least keep me safe until the spell ends. Then again, things that might stop me feeling worse include rocking or other Aspie behaviours, which I can't do while in public. Hmm, might think on this while I'm calm.

The backpacking itself was amazing - two nights in Brussels, then over the border for two nights in Mosbach, then to Garmisch by the Alps, then Munich, Ingolstadt, Kaufering, Nuremberg, Wurzberg, Cologne, then a final night in Brussels again. We camped most nights except in Mosbach and Kaufering where we stayed with friends of Clare's. In a way I'm pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel my traits until the last day, given the constant changes and uncertainties, then again I had the travellers' mindset of 'Let's go with the flow and see what happens!' I got back home on Friday evening: I now appreciate my mattress and pillow more than I did before!

Speaking out

So a while ago I was in a short documentary on the myths surrounding Asperger Syndrome, and wrote a blog post on that. Today the National Autistic Society (NAS)'s Twitter account, which I've been following for the last few months, put up a link to that documentary online. I'll admit that my initial reaction was "Oh shoot, people I know might see this." Then I thought, why shouldn't they (you?) see it? I'd love for more people to know about Asperger Syndrome - when I write my blog posts here I sometimes hope that people I know will read and learn more about how my condition sometimes affects me. Maybe it feels a bit different in that my blog posts are written text, while the documentary shows me speaking - than again, it always feels awkward watching videos of myself (a universal issue?).

I'm happy to talk about my Asperger's and depression if people ask and genuinely want to know, then again it feels like a bigger step to go and make the first step of starting a discussion about it. Maybe I feel that the documentary is a way of me making that first step, something I have difficulty with in social communication anyway. Then again, I have to push myself - how else am I going to challenge stigma if I don't talk? I'd love to live in a world where we can talk about things like autism and mental health openly without stigma, being someone who speaks out and tries to change our current world into this one is difficult. I think it's something that I have to do, though.

So I'll be brave, and post the link here:
https://vimeo.com/66121269

I'm not sure I'm brave enough to post this elsewhere, though. That's a cowardly thought. I'll put it with the link to my blog on my facebook page, and see if anything comes from that. No, I'll put the link up on my status, and try to hide from the internet for the rest of the evening. It feels like a huge step.

Done. Now to distract myself playing Katawa Shoujo again (I replayed Rin's path yesterday, today I might play Shizune's since I remember that one least well).  

Also, the NAS Twitter page is worth following for finding out more stuff - I feel like I'm advertising here.

Children

Having just finished my undergraduate degree (BSc Hons in Psychology with a 2:1, I shall allow myself to show off here!), I'm wondering what to do with myself next. Not knowing what's coming next is a bit daunting, but I think most graduates feel like this at the moment. In answer to the question of "What next?", my mind is consciously thinking along the lines of further study (I'm waiting to hear back from a postgraduate course in mental health), or finding a job (something mental-health related would be awesome) if that doesn't work out. On the other hand, recently I've somewhat subconsciously become more aware of the presence of babies around me - "Dear goodness no, not yet!" is what my mind has to say to that!

I would love to be a parent one day. Some Aspies I know don't want to have children, but it's something that I've wanted since I was a child. I like to think that I'd be a good parent, but I don't know if having children would be wise.

Mum and I have sometimes talked about how many members of our family have been diagnosed with autism, and how many we believe have some form of it (including Asperger's) without necessarily being diagnosed. Assuming a genetic basis for autism (I won't argue about the possible causes of autism here), based on the instances in my family, a child of mine has a good chance of having some form of autism. While I do worry about how I'd manage a child with autism, my main fear is how they'd cope.

Growing up with Asperger's wasn't at all easy for me. I had few friends, felt left out a lot, and was often scolded for doing or saying something inappropriate which to me made perfect sense at the time. I had difficulty fitting in, and was aware that others had difficulty managing me. I'd wake up in the morning and worry that I'd unintentionally do something wrong to upset someone that day, which often did happen. Learning social skills and cues consciously took a lot of trial and error, and I'd try to adopt certain behaviours to fit in that didn't feel at all natural to me. Academic success didn't make up for the fact that in most other respects, I near-constantly felt like a failure.

Would having a child, knowing that they have a good chance of going through that pain, make me selfish? Why bring somebody into the world if they'd spend years trying and failing to fit into it? While I know that I could adopt a child (I'm not ruling that out at all), there's still the part of me that (instinctively?) wants to pass on my genes and create a new life. The worries about having an autistic child have been in my mind since I was in my mid-teens, and have recently popped up more strongly - while I tell myself that there's no use thinking about it until I plan on having children, which I imagine won't be for many years yet, still I worry.

Shut-down

"It's hard to watch someone you love having a shut-down."

I love reading chapters that start off with a quotation, then explain the story behind it (providing they're written well, that is). Most of my attempts at story-writing (to date I've only finished one story, not including a 9-page story that I wrote when I was 6 about a cat called Colina) have a couple of chapters where a character says something, and the next paragraph or two sum up what led to that statement. This has gone off on a tangent somewhat, I'll get back to my original point.

I was at a buffet with my mum last week, and after finishing dessert I said that I was tempted to get seconds. She started to warn me about eating too much dessert: given that I've recently come off a strict diet regime and still have issues with food (I wonder if I'll ever feel fully in control of what I eat), I took this quite personally. A passing waiter said in Spanish that I could go up for more: Mum translated this for me, even though I understood enough Spanish to know what he said. The combination of feeling hurt about having someone try to control my eating for me and having someone assume that I didn't understand a basic Spanish phrase (this was my thinking at the time, likely this isn't justified by her standards) led to me having a shut-down there and then.

Before I go into talking about my shut-downs, I'd like to point out that I've been told for most of my life that I take things too personally. I'm sure I do by other people's standards, but I don't see how I can help feeling offended by something that hits a raw nerve, even if rationally I can tell myself that there was no malicious intent behind a statement.

It's a bit hard to describe what a shut-down is like. To me, it feels that the world slows down: I become far more aware of my own presence, and the presence of others. Stimuli such as lights and sounds become a lot more intense: if I'm talking to someone and a shut-down happens, my attention is still on them, but other people and objects become just as intense and demanding of attention. Trying to focus on just one thing, namely the person I'm talking to or the task I'm doing, is a lot more difficult with all the extra stimuli taking up my attention. Words that people say to me are taken more personally than they otherwise would be. My thoughts get jumbled since I'm taking in so much information while trying to attend to a task or conversation at the same time. Since the world feels slowed down at that moment, it feels like I'm stuck and can't progress out of that phase.

My behaviour during them has varied over time: my instinctive response would be to indulge in Aspie behaviour like rocking or covering my eyes and ears to block out the world until it's over. I'm tempted to cry or shout to get out my frustration. I want to run away to somewhere away from people, to be alone in a place with few stimuli to take my attention. Since none of these are really appropriate when I'm in a place with people - I often have enough control to not let these instinctive behaviours occur - I go into what my mum calls 'Soldier mode'. My answers and movements become robotic: I either say nothing at all, or my responses are short and snappy, and can be hurtful since I can't really think them out beforehand. Sometimes I can give longer responses which make little sense and I often end up contradicting myself. My body gets tense and I can grip things quite tightly. My voice becomes a monotone. I don't feel that I'm in full control over what I do and say: my 'Soldier' behaviour seems to me (in hindsight) like a defence mechanism, to stop myself from escaping or indulging in Aspie behaviour, while trying to block out the intense stimuli and trying to not show the hurt that a comment has (almost always unintentionally) made me feel.

My shut-downs can last for a fair while: sometimes it's an hour or two (sometimes up to half a day) before I realise that my thoughts are my own again. Things that can help me to come out of them are being on my own, and focusing on just one thing such as reading a book or fixating on a wallpaper pattern. I don't always remember exactly what I say and do just before and during shut-downs, it feels like I'm conscious but not fully aware. I resolve to try harder next time to not let a comment get to me so much, then feel worse for being so sensitive. Usually at this point I apologise to Mum, who's often the one present when a shut-down occurs: she says that after I have a shut-down she feels that she has to walk on eggshells so as to not upset me, which makes me feel worse.

I can see why it hurts her when I have shut-downs. But it hurts me too: it's not as though I'd willingly put myself through them.

Advising on interacting

Yesterday I was asked if I could give any advice on interacting with somebody with Asperger's, as someone who has this condition. It's very hard to say without knowing what this person's needs and traits are - what applies to me might not apply to them. Some people I know don't like others looking into their eyes, while I feel a bit hurt if someone doesn't make eye contact when talking to me (unless I know that they have a reason for not wanting to). I think the main thing is to not make assumptions, and ask if things are unclear. The person who asked me this apologised for asking me such a personal question about my condition, but to be honest I love talking about myself and my Asperger's to anyone who's willing to listen!

Two exams to go - earlier I let out a few small shrieks and jerky-slapped a bit while revising, I didn't feel agitated as such but had a bit too much energy and this helped settle and focus me a bit. Exams are going alright on the whole, I'll be glad when they're over. Saying that, I am truly grateful for the opportunity to study at this level.

Echolalia

Hmm, the new look for Blogger is confusing.

Anyway, I have exactly 12 days until exams start. I was feeling quite calm about this, until yesterday afternoon - a revision lecture which made me doubt just how much I knew led me to stress. I show stress in different ways: yesterday I ended up getting echolalic while on the phone to my mum. While her shout brought me out of it, I haven't felt that stressed in a while. Today I feel a lot calmer after taking yesterday evening off, but I hope that my traits don't start interfering with revision.

Resolution

Over Holy Week I took part in the Student Cross pilgrimage (http://studentcross.org.uk), and walked for about 100 miles from Dovercourt in Essex to Walsingham in a group of 24, carrying with us a large and fairly heavy wooden cross. It was a really fulfilling week on a spiritual and social level, and importantly this gave me a lot of time and space away from everything to think. One thought that kept coming up was about having Asperger's, I'll try and put it into words here.

Since my diagnosis, I've been using my label of Asperger's as a reason for my social difficulties - this has led to the unhealthy mindset of not trying to overcome my problems. Rather than try to overcome my issues such as inability to speak naturally and slight anxiety in groups, I've taken to thinking that I don't need to push myself because I have Asperger's. While this has meant that I've avoided initial discomfort in group situations, it's also meant that I've taken to defining myself as an Aspie, and less as a person as a whole.

Over the pilgrimage I didn't feel my traits at all except on the first night when I knew nobody, and then I worked to overcome my issues and be involved in the group. I'd be seeing just these people for the next 6 days and so I'd have to learn to relax with them, I told myself. And after a day or two, it was natural - more natural than things have felt for a fair while. As we walked, sometimes we'd talk to the person next to us, sometimes we'd sing as a group, and sometimes we'd walk without speaking. And that felt natural too - to know that just because I wasn't talking to the person beside me didn't mean that things were awkward, or that we had nothing in common. Not to say that there weren't moments where I felt that social interaction was difficult, but then I didn't think twice about pushing myself to overcome the awkwardness I felt as I'd done countless times growing up.

In short, I forgot that I'm an Aspie, and remembered more that I'm Catherine. I'm an Aspie, yes, but I'm also a story-writer, a student, a singer, a player of video games, a good listener and a terrible footballer. One person on the pilgrimage asked me on the second day what I enjoyed doing, and I had to think for a second about that. Over the week as I sang and prayed and talked to others, I thought more about the things I do and enjoy, and what makes me the person I am.

By the end of the week I'd come out of my shell, as it were - the way I'd always done in the past when meeting new people. That's part of who I am, likely because of having Asperger's, but I'd decided then to not let this rule me. In the same way that I have depression and fight it, I'm going to try and fight the Asperger's traits that make things difficult for me. I'll have bad days, granted, but the negative parts of my condition don't have to affect everything I do. I don't have to be aware of being an Aspie all the time and take that into consideration with every small thing I do - if and when issues arise, I'll deal with them as a strong human being with the support of those around me.

That sounds motivational, no?

I'll end this post by talking about the very end of the week. Each of us was given a postcard just before we left Walsingham, on which the other members of the group had written comments. Most of mine were of the generic 'Nice walking with you' type, but one comment said 'Your quiet presence is an asset'. That stuck with me: yes I am quiet, but that doesn't mean that I'm not involved in things. I felt empowered by the end of the week, and having somebody say that I had 'presence' in the group really meant a lot to me.

Sometimes it takes being away from everything I know to remember that I am a person, and not just a label or a condition.

Ordering fridge words

Apologies for the lack of posts - this term's been a fairly hectic one balancing university/home/other life-related things, so I haven't had much time to think of something worth posting. Now it's the Easter break, I have an essay and a dissertation to write as well as revision, so I probably won't write much in the next few months. That said, I started up this blog during exam season last year, so maybe it'll serve as a procrastination tool.

Anyway, last week I felt a bit bored at one point and decided to order the fridge-magnet words. I mentioned in an earlier post that I'd made them all face up: this time I placed them all on the fridge by letter so that all of the a-words were together, followed by the b-words, etc. Yesterday as an essay-break I arranged them into alphabetical order: this was made easier by the fact that they were already in letter order. I had fun ordering them, it cleared my mind a fair bit. Amy said that they seemed intimidating like that, since nobody would want to ruin the pattern by making sentences on the fridge with them. To be honest, I'm happy enough for them to be moved around and mixed up again - I think of it like when I order my books on the shelves, it's not going to stop me from reading them and putting them back in the wrong place. There's just something about putting them in order that makes me smile, even if they don't necessarily stay in order for long.

What else has been going on? I finished my project on Asperger Syndrome for my dissertation, now I just need to write it up. I should really get back to my other essay now (on the concept of 'resilience'), I might blog about my project another time.

One more thing, please.

Please don't talk over me when I'm speaking.
Please take breaks in your speeches to me to allow me to respond.
Please don't tell me what to do, or how I should think.
Especially don't tell me how I should feel.

Please don't assume how I think or feel.
Please don't assume that you know what's happened to me.
Please ask me if you're unsure, I'll be as honest as I can.
Please don't assume that you know the right answer.
For that matter, don't tell me that I assume I'm right. I rarely do.
Please don't tell me that something will certainly help me - you're not me, so what works for you or for other people with Asperger's won't necessarily work for me.

Please don't compare me to other people. I'm myself.

Please don't assume that I don't want to talk to you.
Please don't force me to start talking to you or to somebody else, either.
I might not talk often, but please listen to me when I do.

Please understand that I don't always understand you.
Please understand that I do want to, though. More than anything.

Hating my condition today

I think that this is going to be a difficult one to write, so please bear with me if my words don't come out quite right.

I hate this condition. Today I hate having Asperger's, I really do. Most days I'm not fully aware that it's there, but some days like today it seems to take over. And I cannot stand it.

On Saturdays I never really know what to do. I don't have anywhere to be, but since my housemates are in I feel antisocial if I spend the whole day in my room. I never know what my housemates are doing, though, unlike on weekdays when I have a rough idea of when they'll be in the house, and what they'll do when they get back after work/uni. Sometimes we're in the same room and I don't know what to say or do - earlier I stood in the corner of the kitchen drinking glass after glass of water, feeling unable to go back to my room (leaving when another person's still in the room is hard for me, it seems too rude to just get up and leave) yet having nothing relevant to say to my housemate who was there at the time. I'm sure that can't have been wholly comfortable for her either - I was aware of that at the time - but didn't know what to do. Sometimes I've ended up drawing on the blackboard in our house for this same reason, or rearranging the magnetic words on the fridge. I don't have the words to explain this at the time, though, and I try to avoid bringing up what happened earlier in the day when I'm more able to talk - I think that might be more cowardice on my part than anything.

Another reason why I hate having Asperger's: talking is still a major issue for me at times. I can have conversations - if the other person initiates it. I cannot start conversations except with a certain few people (I can think of only 3 off the top of my head), or if there's something going on at the time that I feel needs to be discussed (e.g. I can manage "Hi, how are you?", "How's your week been?", "How was the play you've just come back from watching?" and similar phrases, but have trouble knowing other conversation starters). If the other person initiates a conversation and I reply, then they reply to that and so forth, then conversations are fine. Thankfully most of my friends are talkative, so this mostly works. However, with some people they rarely start conversations, or otherwise will say little to my replies, and the conversation dies. It troubles me a lot, and I don't feel able to keep a conversation going otherwise. That's happened a few times this week. When it happens with one particular person, this really saddens me: they probably feel quite frustrated with me, and I wouldn't wholly blame them.

Another reason why I hate my condition. When I was a child, if you weren't brave enough to ask to join in an activity, then you had to wait until you were invited. I'm still like this: when a bunch of people are doing something (e.g. singing, playing games etc), I don't know if they'd accept me joining in. Even with people I know, it still feels uncomfortable to just join in, yet asking seems a bit foolish too. Sometimes I just end up stuck, wanting to join in but not knowing how and in the end standing there awkwardly. Tonight when this happened with a piano/singing session, I stayed for a while, also feeling unable to retreat to my room since there were still people around (I've already discussed this in this blog post) - in the end I did leave as quietly as I could (I was then invited to join in with my violin, but felt too out of sorts at that point to say yes), curled up on my bed and cried softly while staring at the patterns on the wardrobe. After about ten minutes of staring at the wardrobe and then at the bedframe, I calmed down enough to get off the bed, read for a bit, then come to the computer. I'm still feeling a bit low, and frustrated with myself for not managing social situations well.

I was brought up to be as normal as I could be. The thing is, while this meant that I can live independently and on the whole manage my life well, it hurts a lot when I can't do something. It's as though by pushing boundaries, it's more frustrating when I find barriers that I can't cross. I try and I try, but while things do improve, they're never at the level of 'normal' people. And this saddens and frustrates me to no end.

Part of me wants to go back downstairs and rejoin the others. On the other hand, that involves being in a social situation, and I'm not sure I can manage that right now without feeling out of place - and that wouldn't be fair on them either, if they see me being uncomfortable. I hate days like today. They're thankfully nowhere near as frequent as when I was younger, but still. I want to be normal.

Katawa Shoujo

Yesterday I finished playing Katawa Shoujo. It's a visual novel set in a school primarily for students with physical disabilities or health conditions: it has amazing storylines, music that makes me cry, and really well-developed characters. Initially I saw the page for it on TV Tropes and thought that it sounded cliched: then I played the beta, and realised just how good it is. The full release came out last Wednesday, and I finished the game with all of its endings on Monday afternoon.

Anyway, other than rhapsodising about a really well-made game (it's free to download, I really do recommend it), I felt while playing that at least two of the characters have Aspie traits, even though it's not stated in-game. So I thought I'd write about them here.

The first character is Rin Tezuka. One of the students, she's a painter who has no arms, whose thought processes seem to make no sense to the protagonist. She gets to the point when trying to get information, at other times she seems to ramble on about seemingly-unconnected thoughts that make sense to her. At one point she goes into her hallmate's room to follow a cloud, seemingly undistracted by what her hallmate's doing at the time. She prefers to eat lunch alone or with one particular friend Emi (plus the protagonist, if you follow her route) and at one point when lots of people ask her questions, she breaks down and is unable to respond. Further along her story, you learn about her insecurities about herself and how she pushes herself with what she feels she ought to be doing, and how she's bothered by how she can't be normal.

The second is Yuuko. She's the school's librarian, who often chats to the protagonist (whose name is Hisao, by the way - he's in the school because he has arrhythmia). She tries very hard to adhere to her job roles as librarian and waitress in a local teahouse, and panics about them fairly often. She is nervous around people, and claims to not be good with words. She speaks her mind, then stumbles and worries about what she's said. However, she is good at listening to Hisao's problems, and tells him stark truths that help him see things more clearly.

When playing, I thought that Rin and Yuuko seemed like they'd certainly have Aspie traits, if not actually having Asperger's - the developers haven't confirmed or denied this, then again they've been a bit vague about some of the characters' non-physical conditions.

I feel like writing more on Katawa Shoujo, but am not sure what to write that won't spoil the endings.

I started out aiming to follow the character Lilly's route (she's my favourite character, a kind-hearted girl who's blind), but ended up on Emi's route instead (she's a runner whose legs were amputated prior to the story - she uses prosthetics). After Emi's route (each route took me about 5 hours to get all of the possible endings), I played through Lilly's, which was absolutely beautiful and left me really moved. Then I played through Hanako's route (Lilly's best friend, who's emotionally and physically scarred as a result of a severe house fire) - the scene for her bad ending took me so by surprise that I literally jumped, and her good ending brought me to tears yet again. Then I played through Rin's route, that made me think about the possibility of her being Aspie (in the beta I hadn't really considered that, then again the playthrough time of the beta is about an hour and a half per route). Finally I played through Shizune's route: I didn't much like her in the beta, so I left her route for last (she's deaf-mute, and imposes her will on others quite forcefully as head of the student council) - I appreciated her more as a character, but still don't really like her. Still, that's subjective. I'd order my favourite characters like this: Lilly - Rin - Hanako - Emi - Shizune. Admittedly I wasn't that fond of Emi before the game's full release, but grew to really like her as her story went on.

It's free to download, so I really recommend playing it. It's far better than I could describe.

Ordering words

I like ordering things. Putting things in order, that is. When I first move into a place, I try to force myself to leave unpacking my books until last: otherwise I can spend over an hour sorting them, then changing my mind and re-sorting them. In this house they're sorted according to what they are (fiction, real-life, textbook) and then by author (if I have the time), while at my parents' house they're sorted by height order.

Lately I've been busy with essays: for me this is naturally accompanied with procrastination, unfortunately. At one point I found myself in the kitchen talking to Cat: in our kitchen we have a bowl of magnet-backed words that we put on the fridge to form sentences. While talking I sorted through the bowl of words so that they were all facing up: that was quite soothing, and I felt quite excited when all of the words were facing the same way. I did feel tempted to put them in alphabetical order: that would've taken too much time and space, though.

Just to clarify: I don't get upset when things aren't in order, which is what most fictional portrayals of Aspies seems to show. I just prefer it when they are in order: I think it's a bit like saying that my favourite colour is purple and that I don't object to other colours. Have I mentioned that my room in this house is purple? I do love it.

I was in a documentary!

If you've read my previous post first, you'll know that there were two things that I wanted to write about. The first is about my final psychologist report: I blogged about that in my previous post. My second thing to blog about is what I'll write about here.

Back in early October (a week or so after I got diagnosed), my mum forwarded me some of the posts on an online mailing list for families of people with autism. A lot of them had studies that people with Asperger's/families of autistic people could take part in: I've done a few of those (they're very mixed, one asked about empathy towards an autistic sibling while another asked about adult fantasies...). One email was from a group in America who were hoping to film people with Asperger's in the UK for a short documentary: I emailed to say that I was interested, and a few weeks later I met up with the filmmaker. We met in a public park near to where I live, in full view of the traffic: while this meant that we had a few issues at the start with the microphone and being able to hear me over the traffic, I much preferred being easily-seen to inviting strangers into my house. I'd been sent a few questions beforehand ('What was school like?', 'How have you felt since diagnosis?' etc), so I was asked those and I answered. Than we just had a conversation about Asperger's and how it affects me in general: I think the idea was to get me to speak as much as possible so that they'd have enough material to try and get soundbites from. It was quite an enjoyable hour-and-a-half: then we packed up, and I cycled back home.

A week ago, I got an email with a consent form attached regarding giving the rights of the video to the producers, so I signed and sent that back.

Then today, I got an email with the completed documentary attached! It's just shy of half an hour long, and there're interviews with a doctor, a support-group worker, a music therapist, and four adults with Asperger's, myself included. I've just finished watching it, it's quite a well-made documentary, and I don't think I sound too foolish on camera (although I somewhat hope my voice doesn't really sound like that, it sounds far too posh!). The filmmaker said in the email that it was screened on 3rd of December 2011 at a conference in America, and that he'd been told it was "...well received, and the participants acted as wonderful advocates to help more people know about Asperger's disorder. They made a very positive impact." So I'm quite pleased with that! If the video ever becomes available on the net then I'll link it: however given that I don't have any rights to it, it can happily stay on my computer. Still, some people saw me speak about life as an Aspie, and hopefully a bit more understanding will come about as a result of that documentary to the few who watched it: that's good enough for me at this stage!

Final Asperger's report

Hopefully my lack of blogging in November will be redeemed, since there are now two main things to blog about!

The first thing to write about is the final report that the psychologist gave me. There's the report in full, and also a letter to give to potential employers/lecturers/services etc. The letter says (I'll summarise since it's two pages long) that I have Asperger's Syndrome, and the first page talks mainly about what Asperger's is and how it can affect people. The second page talks more about issues affecting people with Asperger's, and ends with a paragraph talking about how Asperger's affects me personally. It says that I am "extremely intelligent" and "able to 'learn' the things that neuro-typical people take for granted". To clarify, a 'neurotypical' person is one without Asperger's. It can be shortened to 'NT' - on a board I saw somebody ask if NT stood for 'Non-tistic', I quite like that term! Cat pointed out that by using that definition, people with other conditions affecting their nervous systems would be classified as neurotypical, but I digress. The paragraph goes on to say that it would be helpful for me to feel comfortable while working if coworkers could make appropriate allowances such as avoiding metaphors (I think I'd mostly be okay at this, though), avoiding ambiguous language and teasing (teasing with friends is one thing that I'm still adapting to: teasing in the workplace would be far worse). It says that I wouldn't enjoy office banter or small talk - I agree that while working I'd not enjoy these at all, but perhaps during lunch breaks I'd be okay. Still, it's easier to get people to start doing something, than to stop, in this case. Methinks. It talks about how if people with Asperger's do not feel understood, they can be prone to anxiety which can lead to mental health problems; but that "...with the right support and encouragement, people with Asperger's syndrome can lead full and independent lives and become a valued member of any workforce."

So I'll take that with me when I start job-searching. I intend to stay in uni for at least another year doing postgraduate study though, so perhaps I won't need this letter for a while.

Then there's the report itself: it's largely the same, but with a few differences with regard to the comments I sent the psychologist in response to the draft. I'm sitting on my bed with the draft and full reports in front of me, listening to the Katawa Shoujo soundtrack (the 'Painful Memories' theme is my favourite, I have that on loop at the moment), so I'll go through and compare.


"She can struggle to know when family members and colleagues are trying to give her helpful advice and can become angry and defensive – often feeling that people are picking on her": this has been amended to read "She can struggle to know when family members and colleagues are trying to give her helpful advice and can become quite sad, sometimes withdrawing into herself and saying very little if she feels that people are picking on her".

I think that that's more accurate.


"Catherine stated that she would become very angry if she had planned and activity and it was suddenly cancelled": this has become "Catherine stated that she would become upset, troubled and stressed if she had planned an activity and it was suddenly cancelled."

Firstly, I'm glad that she amended the typing error on 'and'. I also feel that the amended statement is more accurate: my parents and I agree that I'm not an angry person!


"If she was on her own, she would probably eat the same food every day": this has become "Catherine stated that she would prefer to eat the same thing every day, if she were not aware of how damaging that could be to her health in terms of lack of nutrition. When she is on her own, she tries to get the food groups relatively balanced, even though it is not what she would necessarily prefer to do."

I do try and eat a mix of things: sometimes though, I am just lazy and nutrition goes out of the window. Hopefully when term ends, I'll have more time to re-think my eating habits and plan meals, rather than eating whatever's in the fridge at that time.


"It may help others to understand Catherine better if she was able to explain need for personal distance and minimal touching": this has become "It may help others to understand Catherine better if those around her could understand her issues around touch. Catherine loves hugs and pats on the shoulder if she is expecting them. However, when a nurse shook her shoulders during a recent examination, it caught her by surprise, and she disliked it. When friends hug her, or other casual contact occurs when she is relaxed, she likes it. So for her minimal touching is not the issue - but touching without letting her know first can startle her if she is already stressed."

It's quite a big change, but a vital one I feel: a life without touch would sadden me greatly. I originally mistyped 'surprise' as 'sirprise' while writing this - I like the idea of Sir Prise! I digress.


...and I think those are the only changes. Mum and Dad have sent off the cheque to pay for the assessment, and I have a diagnosis. Result!

I took the report, 'employer letter', and a letter from my GP regarding my depression to disability services at university, so now my record is more up-to-date. I've applied for DSA (Disabled Students' Allowance), I think that they'll get in touch with me soon to assess me and see what support (if any) they can give me.

Hmm, I said that there were two main things that I wanted to write about. I'll write a second blog post for the other thing. Although the way that Blogger works, people would most likely read that one before reading this post. Hmm, that could be confusing. Ah well, I'll write the next blog post and see how it works out.

Diagnosis added to notes

The psychologist's final report came through yesterday! I'm very happy about this, since a) it's there in black and white that I'm an Aspie, b) I can show it to potential employers/uni administrators/etc as evidence, and c) I can apply for Disabled Student's Allowance. I wanted the report most for reason a), but it could come in useful for b) and c). The psychologist had amended it so that it included the modifications I sent (most of which I mentioned in an earlier blog post) - I'd write about those more in detail, but I'm in the Chaplaincy on campus and the report is on my desk in my house. I'll try and write another blog post about the updated report sometime soon.

After meeting with the GP, I got my diagnosis of Asperger's added to my case notes - I'm glad about that. Hopefully that'll be taken into account when treating me for whatever illnesses I may get in future - having my shoulders shaken 'reassuringly' by a nurse isn't something that I'd like to go through again! I haven't yet phoned the clinic whose waiting list I'm on for an assessment to take me off their list - I asked the doctor for their number, but by the end of the appointment we'd both forgotten.

I spoke to disability services and they've agreed to give me one-to-one essay guidance since I'm not good at expressing myself through words (I'm better at this in writing than when speaking, but it's still a problem area). I also get a bit of extra time in exams to account for this, and I can take my exams in a room in the psychology department with a few other people rather than with everyone else - I'm glad of this, since being in a large room with many other people can be a bit daunting. I was offered a room on my own for my exams - that idea scared me more than the thought of being in a large room with lots of people, to be honest!

I feel that I should write something more, given that it's been a long time since my last blog post...

Last night I sang in a concert with the rock-gospel choir, and while that was good fun it was a bit uncomfortable at times - we the choir were packed together tightly and I didn't like being touched just then; the noise was so loud to me that my left ear physically hurt; and when I saw that my violin wasn't in the exact place that I'd left it during the rehearsal, that stressed me out a fair bit. I was almost glad when the end came and I had a bus journey by myself in which to unwind, fun though the concert was.

What else...

At the moment I'm waiting for turkey to cook - Maddy and I plus helpers are preparing a Christmas meal for our society tomorrow. That should be great fun! At the moment I'm quite calm about it, although I imagine that when there's lots going on I'll get more bothered. Then again, I was relatively calm during a mini-fiasco last weekend (we the society went to Gloucester on a minibus for the weekend - the person looking after the minibus keys left a few hours early to go London and took the keys with him, so we had to sort out getting the keys back to us in Gloucester via coach and sorting out the ensuing chaos and arguments), so you never know.

Hmm, the frozen milk is defrosting on the table, and each time I type the table moves slightly and the water under the milk moves slightly. I could only see it out of the corner of my eye, it looked a bit like sparkles and I wondered if I was seeing stars. That confused me briefly, since I'm not dizzy and haven't hit my head. I'm glad that it's just water and not stars.

Wheel-that-spins

The last four days or so have been particularly busy and stressful for me, due to a combination of heavy university work and volunteering commitments. Since I hadn't had a day-off for a few weeks, I felt the strain more than I usually do: consequently, yesterday afternoon and evening I showed some of my traits. I had trouble keeping eye contact with people, and stood by myself a few times even though I was with a group on an outing. In the evening I jerky-slapped a few times and covered my ears for a few minutes when the heating turned itself on: the sound bothered me much more than usual then.

We have a toy hamster in our house: Dad bought it for me in the market one day, saying that he felt that I needed a pet at uni. Consequently the hamster, Susie, lives in a hamster wheel on the kitchen table, and by turning on a switch, she 'runs' on the hamster wheel using small wheels in the place of paws.

The point of that story is that my stress levels got quite high, and I ended up at the kitchen table spinning the wheel with my finger (Susie was on the table). It wasn't an absent-minded spinning, it was something I really focused on: hardly anything mattered but keeping this wheel spinning. It made me feel a bit more content, if not much less stressed. I don't really know how best to describe how wonderful spinning an object (sometimes including myself) can make me feel: in a way it feels good that there is something constant, unchanging, and that I have the power to make it stay spinning at the same speed. Spinning objects is something that nowadays I tend to do only when I'm very stressed: on occasion I'll indulge myself to take a few moments to spin a pen on the table. Maybe it helps because there's only one thing to focus on, whereas when I'm tired and stressed I feel overwhelmed by seeing and hearing so many things at once in the world around me.

It was at this point that Cat persuaded me to go to bed and get some sleep. I felt better today, but still had to take a few minutes to myself from a group lunch: admittedly most of the people I'd never met before, which is always daunting and draining for me. Still, I'm feeling a lot better now, although I think a good night's sleep is in order!

Waiting for Draft 2

I got a reply from the psychologist, thanking me for the comments on her first draft of the assessment, and saying that she'd send me the next draft as soon as she could. I was hoping that this would be done sooner, mainly so that I could have evidence when telling my personal tutor that I have Asperger's. I've arranged to see him tomorrow to talk about module options for this year (I'd ideally like to do 5 this term and 1 next term whereas the usual balance is 3-3 or sometimes 4-2, so I'll run my thoughts past him and see what he thinks), and I'll mention as well about my Asperger's. I think it's important to know. That said, when I told him about my depression, he said that he wouldn't make a note of it, although I could apply for an extension on coursework if need be. I almost applied for one at the end of my first term in second year - I was feeling down and stressed about some things that I don't want to go into on this blog - but my stubbornness meant that I tried to get all the work done without an extension. I did manage, but my work did suffer, so I should be less stubborn in future and recognise my limits.

I went off on a tangent just then - I'll leave it in though, even though it doesn't relate to what I aimed to say in this post.

Hopefully the revised report will come soon.

Draft report of the assessment

I had my assessment last Saturday: yesterday I was sent a draft copy of my report by the psychologist. I read it fairly quickly then (I was visiting my parents at the time and didn't really have the time to sit down and read it carefully), and today I had a closer look. Overall it seems accurate enough: I won't copy and paste the whole thing, but I'll highlight bits and pieces that matter most to me.


"Catherine reports that she does not find it easy to join in with a conversation and can struggle to follow the flow, especially if she is in a noisy environment. She feels that she is not good at making ‘small talk’."

I think I've mentioned before in this blog that I have trouble starting conversations - apologies to anyone who feels that they always have to be the one to start talking. And in loud places such as the pub, or just when there're lots of conversations going on around me - I'll admit that sometimes I lose track of what's being said.


"She can struggle to know when family members and colleagues are trying to give her helpful advice and can become angry and defensive – often feeling that people are picking on her. She often perceives advice as criticism."

I think that this is one of my greatest flaws. I truly am sorry to anyone who's been offended (and rightly so) by my response to what I later recognise as advice. I'm too proud in some respects to accept that others know better than me what I should do.


"Currently Catherine enjoys playing the Sims on her computer and can sometimes become absorbed in a game for long periods of time."

'Long periods of time' can go up to a few hours - sometimes half a day has gone by without me realising it. Sometimes people come to talk to me when I'm gaming/reading and if I'm truly absorbed I just won't notice they're there. It happens less often now than when I was a child or teen, which I see as a mixed blessing: on the one hand I'm more in the 'real world' and am aware of what's happening around me, on the other hand it takes more conscious concentration to focus on said book or game.


"Catherine stated that she would become very angry if she had planned and activity and it was suddenly cancelled."

I'm glad that this is only a draft: my parents and I agreed that I do not get angry when plans change. Also, typing error on 'and'. Anyway, Mum said that I get upset when plans change, Dad said stressed; I'd go more for 'troubled'. But not angry: I certainly like to think that I'm not an angry person!


"If she was on her own, she would probably eat the same food every day."

Yet another thing that I'd rephrase: I would eat the same thing every day, if I weren't aware of how damaging that could be to my health in terms of lack of nutrition. When I am on my own, I try to get the food groups relatively balanced.


"Catherine should take extra care drinking hot liquids and should set water temperature lower to avoid the sensation of being too hot in the bath or shower. She should ensure that pathways are clear of objects that could be tripped over. "

Common sense, much?


"She should make notes and use highlighter pens and ask for verbal information to be provided in written form."

Mum often gives me a to-do list in written form: if somebody tells me to do something and I don't have written instructions, chances are I'll either make a mistake somewhere, or forget entirely. So this is useful for others to know, when there's more than one thing to do. I don't need a written to-do list for every small thing!


"Using a bath mitt, loofah sponge or textured flannel may help to become more accustomed to different sensory experiences, as can having a deep pressure massage."

Can I just say, this sounds like my idea of torture. I'm not so sensitive that I can't be touched and hugged, so why do I need to put myself through this?


"Catherine may find that a rocking chair could prove calming."

Rocking chairs are amazing. I can rock without one, though - although I only tend to do that when I'm certain that I'm on my own.


"Catherine should endeavour to incorporate breaks and time-out into her daily routine. In group discussions she may find answering questions helps to maintain focus."

I would also find that answering questions puts the focus of a group on me, which I tend to dislike.


"It may help others to understand Catherine better if she was able to explain need for personal distance and minimal touching."

See, if I tell people that, I fear that I won't be touched at all. And I'd hate that. I love hugs, and pats on the shoulder etc - if I expect them. When a nurse 'reassuringly' shook my shoulders during an appointment regarding my asthma this summer, it caught me by surprise, and I disliked it. When friends hug me, or (thinking how to phrase this in a non-dodgy way) other casual contact occurs, I like it. So for me, minimal touching isn't the issue - but touching without letting me know first is.


"Finally, it is important to acknowledge and accept Catherine’s need for time alone away from the crowd."

If you can think of a socially-acceptable way of escaping from a crowd for a while, please do let me know!


"At times during the Vocabulary sub-test, it seemed as if Catherine knew what a word meant but struggled to find the words to describe it. She is aware of this word-finding difficulty in her day to day life."

In a way it's as though the words are hidden away, and I have to search to find them, even though I understand word meanings fairly well. Imagine I ask you to describe an apple: in your mind you probably picture the fruit, then describe it with words. I sometimes have trouble finding the words that relate to the picture, if that makes sense.


"After careful consideration of all of the evidence gathered and following discussion with Catherine and her parents, it appears that she does have significant difficulties in the areas of social communication, social interaction and flexibility of thought and would, therefore, meet ICD10 criteria for a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome."

Result!


"However, it is important to note, that in common with many young women with this type of difficulty, Catherine has learned how to behave in a socially appropriate manner and her difficulties are unlikely to be immediately apparent."

Another mixed blessing: I function and adapt well enough, but that can make my faux pas seem unexpected and uncalled for.



There was more to the report than what I've just written about, but these were the more important bits for me. At some point in the next few days I'll write back to the psychologist saying what I think could do with changing (anger at change of plans; same meals; minimal touch). For now, I'll finish the chapter of the book I'm reading ('Sensation and Perception': it's one of our course books) then head to bed.

The Assessment

Today was assessment day!

...I'm not sure why I wrote that in such an enthusiastic way. Up until this morning I was having second thoughts about going for the assessment - I went to bed fairly early last night, couldn't sleep, went back downstairs to talk to Cat about my worries about being assessed, then went back to bed and had a very restless night. Finally it was morning: I aimed to leave the house at 8.30am to be there for my 10am appointment, so I got up at 8, had breakfast, then chatted to Cat for a bit before leaving at 8.40. I hopped on a bus, mistakenly got off one stop too early, but still arrived with about 25 minutes to spare. So I kept walking, then turned back and went into the centre 10 minutes early.

The psychologist met me at reception when I entered (I was surprised that I didn't have to wait at all), and once I'd signed in and had been offered tea, we went to a small conference room. There she asked me if I was feeling nervous at all, I truthfully said that I was a little, she asked if it was due to the uncertainty of the assessment, I said that yes it was. Then she started talking me through what we'd be doing: as a psychology student, it was quite interesting. We started off by talking about how I'd be taking the WAIS test for intelligence, which would rate me in terms of separate areas. She said that people with Asperger's tend to be great in some areas but markedly low in others, which should be picked up on. She said that research suggests that the corpus callosum - the part of the brain which connects the two hemispheres - doesn't work as well in people with Asperger's as with the general population, sometimes resulting in a difference in skill levels. She also gave an interesting analogy for Asperger's: she described it as having the same hardware as a typical person, but different software, resulting in different functioning. I wonder more if it's the other way round: that having Asperger's is like trying to run the same software but having different hardware, so it doesn't always work properly and sometimes results in errors. I only thought about this when I got home, though, so wasn't able to share this thought with her.

The first task was block design: I was shown a picture, and had to recreate it with blocks which had all-white faces, all-red faces, and half-white-half-red faces. I used to enjoy playing with tangrams when I was younger, and found this quite easy. After that, I was given two words and asked to say how they were similar, e.g. 'apple' and 'banana'. They got more difficult, and soon I was struggling - I knew there was a difference, but couldn't get it into words very easily. After that I was shown a sequence, and asked to pick the picture that would complete the sequence, e.g. red square-white square-red square-what next? At the end of that task I was told I'd got them all correct, that made me smile. Then I was told to repeat back a string of numbers, from two digits up to nine digits, then to repeat the digits backwards, then to repeat them in numerical order (e.g. 1-2-3). For the next task, I was shown two pictures, and had to indicate if either of them appeared in a sequence of objects: the idea was to see how many of these I could get through in two minutes. Then I was asked to define words - again I had trouble with this, even though I almost always understood what the word meant. Then I was shown a picture of a shape, and asked to pick three smaller shapes (out of six options) that would make up the larger shape when put together. I was then shown a key where the numbers 1-9 related to a picture, and I had to draw the corresponding picture underneath a string of digits - again this was to see how many I could complete in two minutes. After that I was asked some mental maths questions - they were fairly easy - and finally I was asked some general knowledge questions. There were only two of which I had no idea: I hadn't known before that it takes 8 minutes for sunlight to reach the Earth's surface, or that the circumference of the Earth is just shy of 25,000 miles. You live and learn.

After that I filled in a sensory questionnaire, asking me to rate statements relating to my senses from 'almost never' to 'almost always', e.g. 'I enjoy wearing bright-coloured clothing'. I'm quite noise- and touch-sensitive, I'm less overly-taste-sensitive than I was before university, otherwise I think my senses are relatively normal.

Mum and Dad arrived for the second part of the assessment just as I'd finished the sensory questionnaire: we moved to a larger room so that there was enough room for the three of us and the psychologist. Mum had brought the papers from my previous assessments as a 2 and 10 year old, and the first part of the interview was Mum telling the psychologist my history up to this point, with Dad adding details. Then they were both asked specific questions about my behaviour and relationships as a child, as a teenager, and I was asked about my behaviours and perceptions now, with Mum and Dad giving more details and examples. I think this took about an hour and a half or so: it was quite difficult for me to hear what I'd been like when I was younger - I was a very difficult toddler, a difficult and inappropriately-behaved child, and an overly difficult-to-talk-to teenager. I like to think that now I'm a nice person, but it's taken a lot of work to get to this point. Still, as Mum later said, there are times to gloss over the details and say that they don't matter now, and there are times - like during assessments - when the painful (to me) truth needs to be said. What's most difficult is hearing my parents talk about the difficulties I have now: even though I really, really do try to overcome these, part of that involves acknowledging that I have difficulties with some things. My parents worry that because of the way I am, I could be taken advantage of: to be honest the same thought occurs to me, which worries me.

On an interesting note, at one point I was asked what my hobbies were, I included computer gaming. When asked what my favourite game was, I truthfully said The Sims: interestingly, the psychologist said that she'd have bet money that I'd say that. She explained that in the years she's worked with diagnostic services, most of the teenagers and young adults she's met have claimed The Sims to be their favourite game - much like young children claim Thomas the Tank Engine to be their favourite programme. I'd known about young children with Thomas (I for one would insist on watching the same episodes of Thomas over and over, and collected the little model trains and wanted nothing but models of Annie and Clarabel the coaches for my first-day-of-school present), but had never heard anything about young adults with The Sims - that intrigued me. I enjoy The Sims because to me, it's a socially acceptable dolls' house, and I absolutely loved acting out scenarios with my dolls.

At the end of the interview, the psychologist said that she'd support a diagnosis of mild Asperger's: she said that my intelligence has enabled me to find coping strategies, so I should and would be successful in life, and can clearly live independently, although in some areas I will probably need support. She said that she'd write up the report in the next few days and send it to me, and that with it she'd include a detailed report of my strengths and weaknesses based on the interviews and the tests, and also - this I like - a letter to be given to employers/lecturers/support services/etc, saying that I have Asperger's, that these are my strengths and weaknesses, and could they take these into consideration. Mum said that this is what she'd wanted most for me - that I'd have something to show employers, since I'll most likely have some sort of difficulty in the workplace with coworkers or understanding instructions, to say that there's a reason for my oddities. I think it could be useful to take to university, to show that there's a reason that I can't always express my thoughts too well in my work. Dad was impressed at how thorough the assessment was. I'm glad most of all that I got a result, and that it was the result I was, in a way, hoping for.

So... now I just have to wait for the report to come through: I'm curious to read it. Mum gave me photocopies of the papers from my earlier assessments: I'd read the one from when I was 2 before, but this was the first time I'd seen the one from when I was 10. I read through them this afternoon: to be honest, if there'd been the understanding of Asperger's back then that there is now, I probably would have been diagnosed at 10, given the descriptions of what I've said, done, and the scores I gained on tests. It was interesting to read, it brought back a few memories of that time, and clarified some things I'd wondered about back then.

I'm happy. I really am. I'm not a 'borderline Aspie' anymore: to change the words of Pinocchio, "I'm a real Aspie!"

The Flower

The innocent flower sheds a tear at the world destroying her beauty...
Yet although the world destroys her beauty, the innocent flower still remains.
What if the flower were to be destroyed? What would we have then...?
Yet if the flower dies, surely we would be left a leaf? Something to remember it by?
Or would it be better to have the stem, ugly though it is, to bring a new flower to life?
Let us keep the stem and reuse it. But we need good soil to place it in for it to grow...
But where can we find good soil on this Earth? Is there any left that will allow the flower to grow?


I wrote this when I was 15: over three months at the end of some of my diary entries, I'd write one line about this flower, and I've only just put the seven lines together.

I've tried my hand at writing poetry before, and I'm not good at it at all. I can come up with ideas and stories, but I'm not good with words and with phrasing things. I can't remember why I added a picture of a flower at the end of one of my diary entries - I think I was feeling very low at the time, and felt that I was like this flower. With each line, I drew a picture of this flower slowly decaying, then of her leaf, then of the stem being planted in fresh ground. I saw it as being hopeful that I could recover from the depression I felt at the time.

Thinking about it, where is good soil on this Earth for this flower to grow? Assuming that we're using the flower as an analogy for myself as a possible-Aspie, is there somewhere where I could be and develop my full potential? Or will this flower (this sounds a bit pretentious) be in an environment that's unnatural for her, and will she just have to focus her attention to adaptation rather than self-growth? Maybe we're all flowers in this respect: sometimes we develop our full potential, other times we just try to survive and adapt.

I like to think that everybody is capable of reaching their full potential, as long as there is hope (I'm an annoying optimist in some respects).

2005 and 2007 diary entries

Thursday 16th June, 2005
Today Nicki was back at school and I felt shunted again. I think maybe I'm the one being hostile. I don't even try to join Mel and Nicki to make a group. Why? I don't like being in a group. It's either one-to-one or nothing. It's completely mad and I hate it. Why's it like that? I think I'm Asperger's, They have social problems. But I've been diagnosed as borderline, but I'm still 'normal'. I don't get it. I don't understand it. When I try, I end up getting panicky. I know that Asperger's people are like that - I researched it. I'm feeling panicky now, so I'll stop it.


I had a look through my diaries for anything relating to Asperger's: this is the first entry I found, from when I was 14. I'm still looking now, and have just found some poetry that I wrote. I'll put the poetry in a blog post, then keep searching for Asperger's references.

...later...

I found the entry where I talk about finding papers, but no reference is made there to one of the papers being from my childhood assessment for autism. So far I haven't found anything else relating to Asperger's or directly describing social issues (although reading some of the interactions, it seems clearer to me now that social issues did exist).


Wednesday 3rd January, 2007
"So we talked. It wasn't as fluid as I'd hoped. I had trouble starting at first... my mouth and brain didn't really click together. Ella suggested I write it down instead."


I was 16 at this point - this phrase sums up in a way how I sometimes get when trying to initiate conversations. I just don't know where or how to start them, and when I do, sometimes I stumble over words, or don't know when to stop, or it sounds stilted and forced. I wish that this wasn't the case: how can I rely on others to always start conversations? For the most part I get by okay, since a lot of my friends are talkative, however there are some people with whom I just don't know how to talk. If they start the conversation, this works without too much problem, then we go back to silence even though I know it should be my turn to speak. I don't know how to explain this to people, though, without seeming unfriendly and antisocial.

...even later...

I've just skimmed through all of my diaries, and have finished reading the last entry (just before Christmas of my first year at uni). I can't find anything else really relevant to being Aspie or that go into depth about social problems, so I'll leave it at this for now. That, and it's gone 2am and my eye's twitching, so sleep is in order.

Telephones and the assessment

Earlier I called home, and had an hour-long chat with my mum. For the most part I dislike phone conversations, especially with people I don't know well - when my friends and I order food, I try to not be the one who has to phone and order (whenever the online ordering service doesn't work), and I'd prefer to send an email or text or handwritten note than call somebody with a message - I remember being about 9 years old and writing out exactly what I was going to say to a girl whose birthday party I couldn't attend, then not knowing what to say when she started speaking and I'd used all of the words on my piece of paper. On the other hand, if I want to talk to somebody rather than just deliver a message, then I quite enjoy speaking on the phone. I sometimes have trouble knowing what to say, though, and knowing whether or not it's my turn to speak. And sometimes when on the phone for a long time, I feel that I need a break - I guess with day-to-day conversations, I tend to do other things while talking to somebody, even if it's just turning away for a minute to put the kettle on, or going to fetch something, so I get 'breaks' from human contact that way.

On a side-note, I had the Lady Gaga song 'Telephone' stuck in my head for two of my exams last summer. This doesn't relate to anything other than the title in this blog post.

Anyway, while talking to Mum, she mentioned that my assessment is in a week's time. She accidentally said diagnosis rather than assessment - and this made me a bit worried. One of the reasons I'm still not sure about getting an assessment is this: what if I don't get the diagnosis that I'm (for want of a better term) hoping for? What if I'm told, at the end of the day, that I'm borderline, or 'normal'? Would that make the assessment a waste? Am I just failing at being, rather than having a condition that makes this so? I will admit that this does quite worry me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see - on the other hand, what if I'm told that I have more difficulties than I think I do? Am I possibly too 'different' to adapt successfully? (I like to think that while I don't fit in, I can and do adapt fairly well).

The psychologist who'll be doing the assessment asked me to bring along papers from my last assessments: Mum said that almost all of them are in boxes (my parents are moving house and have most of their things packed up), however she was preparing something which is coming along so far. I'm a little anxious as to what she means by this - is she listing my traits, or incidents where they've stood out? Is she listing my assessment history? I'd be quite anxious to hear this - sometimes I get anxious listening to stories from my past, especially if they involve large social blunders on my part (I think most people are like this, though). Rationally I shouldn't worry since anything I hear is bound to be something that I already know, or should be made aware of anyway.

It'll be nice seeing Mum and Dad again when they both come up for the assessment: I haven't seen them since I moved into my new house on 1st September. They won't be staying for long though, since they need to go home to look after the dog, and the journey up from where we live is fairly tiring.

The assessment will take place from 10.30am and will last until around 2 or 3pm, I was told. In the evening I'm going to a uni-friend's birthday party, I hope that I'll be happy enough by the assessment's result to enjoy myself fully in the evening.

Others' blogs reassure me

Just a small note here.

I like to read other (am I entitled to use that word in this context?) Aspies' blogs, especially those of women, to see if any are like me. It's comforting that some of them are quite similar: while some bloggers are like the typical film-portrayed Aspie, others are able to function adequately in the world and apparently don't immediately come across as strange.

What particularly reassures me is that some bloggers have families: they have a partner, and some have children. I'd love a partner and children one day: to those who say that being Aspie means that you can't love others and find relationships too much hassle, that's a generalisation. For one thing, if all Aspies didn't have relationships, I wouldn't exist! Anyway, reading their stories of being married and parenting, and of the joys and struggles that they sometimes face, gives me hope that one day I'll be like that.

Why I want a diagnosis

So far I've had replies from three private assessors: one nearish my university charges £600 and has a free slot in October; one near my parents charges £900 but has just offered to reduce it slightly since I've been assessed before as a child; and one closer to uni charges £300, but I've heard negative things about her from WrongPlanet posters, so I'm disregarding her. I've emailed the person who lives near us to see what she means by a 'reduced cost', depending on that we'll see where I go from here.

I have a bit of time now - I'm staying with Jen-Steve-James-Mark for a few days, and I'm locked in the house until James reappears with keys - so I'll write a bit about what my thoughts are regarding diagnosis.

Let's go back to when I was 14 or so, and found the papers about my assessment as a toddler. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings on that in my diary (I kept one regularly from age 13 to 17) - I'll have a quick look through my diary now and see if I can find anything useful.

...At the moment I only have diaries 1-5 on hand and I can't find any relevant entries in there, I'll have another look when I'm back home.

Anyway, from what I remember, my feelings at the time were that I didn't want to have Asperger's: that would make me like Dad, who had some difficulties at the time. I wanted to be normal - but I think I knew that I wasn't completely normal. This stays in the back of my mind until I'm maybe 17 or so, and Mum and I discuss the fact that I was assessed before, and how the assessments stopped when my brother started showing autistic signs. I was upset that this wasn't pursued, more because I thought that if I'd been diagnosed, I could have developed to be more intelligent, even if it meant being less socially able. Then I start university and think more about assessment, in particular during the summer before my second year.

I've been asked a few times why I want a diagnosis. I've been given suggestions as to why I want one: to fit in with the family, to get help, to access disability living allowance. It annoys me when people have said to me that they know why I want a diagnosis. They're not me, how can they presume to have my thoughts?

So, my thoughts are these. I have trouble functioning socially, and sometimes what makes sense to me doesn't make sense to other people, and vice versa. I live in a university bubble where my friends are accepting of who I am without much question: however, the world as a whole isn't like this. I can camouflage, but not always fit in perfectly. I don't want to camouflage anymore: I want to be myself. In order to fit in, I have to change or hide bits of myself (see my first entry on my traits): I don't want to do this any more. I want to be accepted for who I am, not for who society says I should be.

If I get a diagnosis of Asperger's, that'll a) confirm that I'm weird for a reason rather than as a result of failing to adapt, which will b) hopefully boost my morale somewhat (I sometimes feel that it's my fault that I can't always function well, which makes me feel more depressed). Also, c) if people think 'oh, she has Asperger's' rather than 'oh, she's rude and slow on the uptake', hopefully they'll be more understanding, less likely to avoid me, and - dare I write this? - willing to change the way they say things to me in order to make it easier for me to understand. For example, I can't process verbal instructions very well, so when Mum goes out and wants me to do something she'll write things down in precise detail - this makes things so much easier. Some people have suggested that I get a diagnosis to access help: most of the time I don't think that I need help, though. My social skills aren't great, but I've worked hard on them and am managing. I can function well in daily life - if nobody makes assumptions. For example, if you ask me to wash the jumper (I've no idea why this example comes to mind), I won't know if you mean the one I'm wearing, or the one you let me borrow, or an unused one on the shelf. And do you mean to handwash it, or to wash it on its own, or to add it to the laundry? And then do you want me to hang it, or leave it there? If you assume that I know exactly what you're talking about, things don't always work out well. So maybe some more help in this area - although I'm not sure what such help would involve, mind-reading courses??? - would be good.

I'll leave it at that for the moment. To summarise, I want a diagnosis because then I think I'd feel free to be me, Catherine, rather than a failed weird person.

Seeking a diagnosis?

I've been on the waiting list for an assessment for Asperger's for a few months (my GP referred me in April): today I received a letter from my local psychological services saying that due to my need for a specialist assessment, I'd most likely have to wait until 2012 for an appointment. In the meantime they gave me the Autism Quotient and Cambridge Behaviour Scale to fill in. What amused me was that the Autism Quotient questionnaire had 50 sets of answers (i.e. 'Strongly agree-Slightly Agree-Slightly Disagree-Strongly Disagree' was printed on one side of the page 50 times), however only the first eight questions were printed: next to the other 42 answer-sets was blank space. My response was to write in the questions myself, then criticise the wording of three of the questions (I can't recall right now which these were).

Anyway, I filled those both in and sent them off - but now I'm unsure what to do. I told Mum when she asked who the post was from (they came in a handwritten envelope - they'd originally arrived at my uni-house, and I asked one of my now-former housemates to forward it to me at my parents'), and she suggested that I look into getting a private diagnosis if I'd have to wait so long. She gave me the email of somebody recommended by one of her friends- I did get in touch, however the response was that a complete assessment would cost £900 or so, while a shorter one would cost £600. Hmm. I had a conversation about this with Cat, which was both helpful and left me more confused, if that makes sense. I put a post about this on WrongPlanet, one reply suggested that I get in touch with the NAS and ask about other assessment centres, in the hope that they may have shorter waiting lists. I've now done this, and I've also asked about private assessors: I imagine that since it's the weekend I won't get a reply until at least Monday, and given that we're in August I might not get a reply for a while longer.

Mum did ask me why it was important to me to get a diagnosis: Cat asked me this at one point as well. I can't remember if I've written about this on my blog or not, but at the moment I'm feeling rather tired (it's 1.26am) and I'd rather wait until I'm more awake to go into the reasons (or is there just one reason? Unsure.).

'Cured Aspie'

One of my relatives described herself earlier as a "cured Aspie". After making a joke about 'cured Aspie' sounding like 'cured bacon', I said that I don't believe that Asperger's can be cured. It can be overcome, certainly, by learning to adapt to the social world, but it's still there. This relative then said that of course she didn't believe that people with Asperger's could be cured, they just overcome. And anyway, she claimed, she was normal. I hope that this isn't confusing to just me!

A bit later, she said, "You probably didn't have depression. It was probably just Asperger's." While the two often go hand-in-hand - here's a short blog post about it that I found earlier - I would never say that one contains the other. I know plenty of depressed people who aren't Aspie, and depression isn't a defining factor of Asperger's. Furthermore, a lot of the depression that I've experienced over the last year or so has been linked to certain events and thoughts about them, rather than being related to my social difficulties. Plus I didn't like being told that I probably "didn't have depression": it felt as though this relative was trying to ascertain my feelings for me, rather than allowing me to have and know them for myself. Story short: yes, I was depressed. Yes, while I'm often content now, I accept that it's still there and will probably pop up again when something upsets me. And no, while Asperger's and depression can be linked, they are not interchangeable.

Lately I've been having more depression-spells and Aspie-moments, I hope that these soon become less frequent.

The manual?

I read a lot when I was a child: in my primary school there were different colours for different reading levels, perhaps 8 or 10 in all, the most advanced being mauve, brown and grey in that order. I started reading mauve books when I was 5, and soon worked my way up to grey. I read of boarding schools and witches, of bullies and time travel. At home I read too: I read the Dorling Kindersley hardbooks on the human body, and once read about a factual book about the creation of Santa Claus while somehow still believing that he existed. Mum loves to read autobiographies of people growing up in hardship, and when I got a bit older I'd read those too. Some books were about autism - given that my brother is autistic, this isn't surprising. Some books wrote about autism in a different way, though: people who could speak, who had no friends, who had trouble knowing what to say and how to stand. People who couldn't act 'naturally'. At that point I'd feel funny and have to stop reading - I didn't want to be like those people, I wanted to be a normal child.

For all the books I read, I never found one that would have made things a lot easier. See, the other children at school knew what to say, knew how to act, knew when to talk and when to be quiet. They didn't have to stare at others to find out how to act - they just knew. I figured that while being taught to talk and walk, they must have been taught social skills too, and for a while was upset at my parents for having not taught me as my peers had clearly been taught (this is how 7 year old me thought at the time). Later I thought that maybe they'd all learned social skills from books - so I tried to find a manual on how to be human. I searched on our bookshelves and in the library, but I had no luck. I was shown books on posture, but they never said how exactly I was to achieve such posture, and how I could tell which situation I was in. I was shown books on building confidence, but they didn't tell me what words I should use, or how exactly one could use inflection. What muscles do you use, and how do you consciously know which pitch to use?

Even nowadays when I've learned a lot more about how to be, I still wish that there was a manual, for those of us who were born without one in our minds.

Aspie Quiz

I signed up on the WrongPlanet forum a few months ago (a forum for those with Asperger's or suspected Asperger's, and friends and family of Aspies) a day or two after I started this blog. Sometimes it's good to post there: I feel more able to articulate my thoughts in a way that's 'natural' to me, rather than having to go over what I've written twice or three times to ensure that it makes sense from more than one angle. A few days ago I wrote something on a messageboard elsewhere that was interpreted by almost every commenter as offensive, while I hadn't read it that way at all: now I'm extra-careful when speaking or writing. On the WrongPlanet forum, though, I don't feel obliged to do that, since I'm not expected to have perfect communication skills.

I digress. One of the other commenters on a thread that I was reading (it was an off-the-wall thread about what music we were listening to at that moment: I happened to be listening to a YouTube video of 'Psychotherapy' by Melanie Safka, while right now I'm listening to 'A River Flows in You' by Yiruma) reminded me of the 'Aspie Quiz'. It's an online quiz, with questions such as "Are you often surprised by what people's motives are?" and "Do you enjoy team sports?" The responses to the questions can be chosen from 0 (No/never), 1 (a little) or 2 (Yes/often). At the end of the 150-item quiz, two scores are given out of 200: an 'Aspie score' and a 'Neurotypical' score ('Neurotypical' is a word that I only learned a year or two ago, which refers to non-autistic people. Cat brought up the point that this implies that people with other conditions such as Down's Syndrome would be classed as neurotypical under this definition: but I digress again).

At the end of the quiz, I got an Aspie score of 123/200, and an NT (neurotypical) score of 74/200, and a statement that I am 'likely to be Aspie'. I'm not wholly sure how the mathematics of the test works, nor am I convinced of the validity of the test (I originally typed in 'reliability', then recalled statistics lectures where the difference between validity and reliability was drummed into us: validity is whether or not the test measures what it sets out to measure, while reliability is whether or not the responses are consistent across different people), but I still find it interesting. I'm still on the waiting list for an assessment - it's been about 4 months since I was sent a referral letter saying that I'd have to wait 6 months or so, but I don't mind waiting a little longer.

Earlier I thought that the way I'm writing this blog is a bit different to the way I've written my other blogs, i.e. those I wrote while in Peru earlier this year and two years ago. Here it seems that rather than writing about what happened in a way that I think others would prefer, I'm focusing in this blog on the things that are important to me. Sometimes I digress and go off on tangents: sometimes when thinking I will do this, because the tangent seems important and relevant to me. I can't remember if I started keeping this blog because I wanted my friends to see that I might be Aspie, or if I wanted to share with the wider world my thoughts and outlooks on things, or if I just wanted to write down how I felt, in a way that suits me rather than in a way that suits others. I write stories a lot: the reason that I haven't gotten far in the plotline is that I read what I've written, and rewrite it over and over. It never seems perfect, but I try to write in a way that others will appreciate. I do that with my emails and other blogs: maybe I started this blog because I wanted a space where I didn't have to do that. A space where I could go off on tangents, where I could talk about 'irrelevant' things (I'd have liked to know that I'd been listening to 'Psychotherapy' and am now playing 'A River Flows in You' on repeat, but I'm aware that these don't relate at all to the blog post) and not have to go over everything unless I wasn't happy with it, for my own reading.

Now it feels as though I'm rambling, so I'll stop here.

Chewing pencils

When I was in school, I'd chew pencils. One boy in my class in Year 1 would eat the bits of pencil that he'd bitten off, but I'd just chew. The reason for this isn't that I was absent-minded: it's that the feeling of having my teeth break wood, particularly my canine teeth, is really satisfying. I'd sometimes just sink in one canine tooth at a time into a pencil, until it was full of little holes.

I don't do this anymore to pencils. Now I use apples.

A not-so-good approach to being overwhelmed

I'm told I take things too personally: but if somebody says something to me, how can I take it in a way that doesn't relate to me? For example, if somebody snaps at me, I'll assume it's because I've done something wrong to upset them, rather than considering that they may have been in a bad mood for other reasons. Even if I am aware that something else has upset them, I still think that it's because of something I've done to make things worse, in order for them to snap at me.

Most of the time, though, I can handle this, and just feel a bit confused and carry on the conversation as normal, if a bit more guarded. However, at times it can be overwhelming, and I tend to not react well. A few days ago I was in a rotten mood, and somebody said something that I took to be hurtful (even though I knew they didn't intend it to be so). My response, which I'm not happy about, was to quietly screech "Stop it" over and over, while grabbing a pillow over my head so that it pressed hard against my eyes and ears. I don't think much behaviour gets more Aspie than that: I haven't done this in a very long time, since I can usually control my responses in a more socially appropriate way. I think I was only like this for a half-minute or so before I calmed down enough to put the cushion down. The thing is, it did help: it was like I blocked out the world for a bit, just to give me a tiny bit of space to adapt to it before coming back. I was still on edge and overwhelmed for a while after, but I had more control.

It scared me. Usually when I'm overwhelmed, I go to the bathroom where nobody can see me to calm down a bit. Or otherwise I count in Spanish in my head, or fixate on a pattern. I don't know why doing this makes me feel better: but it's a more subtle coping strategy than screeching and pushing cushion into my ears. That said, I hadn't felt that overwhelmed in months. I know that I took things personally, but even when I tell myself that it's not always my fault, I still react badly when I'm snapped at.

Fingers crossed that this doesn't happen again for a fair while.

Picnic

My exams ended today - it hasn't quite sunk in yet, though. Once my last exam ended and I had retrieved my rucksack from the storeroom, I headed to an indoors-picnic hosted by one of the university societies of which I am a member. I only joined a few months ago and have turned up to events maybe four times or so since then, so consequently I knew very few people.

Whenever I'm faced with a group of people who I don't know, I can't speak. Consequently I spent most of the time that I was there standing in a corner, listening to others speak but not feeling able to join in, and with my eyes darting from person to object. There were a couple of people who I knew, but we didn't talk for long. It was nobody's fault, the people did seem friendly - but I just couldn't join in. I spent a lot of the time looking at the clock wondering why I was there. I had a few one-to-ones with some people who asked me what my name was, that I could do - but once they started talking to someone else, I was back to standing silently. I stayed for an hour, then when there was a break in conversation I picked up my rucksack and said goodbye.

So... I have the feeling that the society members who I met today will think that I'm antisocial, and that the people who I knew before and have seen me as a chatty person will be quite confused with the way I acted. I really hope that nobody was offended by my not joining in: it's not that I wasn't interested, I just didn't feel a part of it. Maybe if I get to know more of the members in smaller groups, it'll be easier the next time there's a large event. Hopefully.

The purple ribbon

Lately I've been (and still am!) quite stressed with exams. I've had one so far this summer, and I have five next week. I'm really not looking forward to them, I never do feel that I've revised enough. Anyway, whenever I'm stressed, I find that my traits seem to come out a bit more. Every evening when I walk home, I reach up to touch the leaves of the trees and just run them past my fingers: today I was a little upset (I'm wondering if 'perturbed' would be a better word in this situation) when I walked home a different route and missed out on this. Earlier I found an empy room and talked to myself for a bit before settling down to work. I became entranced with some bubble wrap that a friend had from a parcel she'd opened this morning. And another friend had a purple ribbon with some sellotape on it: he stuck it to my face as a joke, and I've been playing with it since.

Let me explain something about ribbons and string. You can run them through your fingers, and it feels amazing. You can tie them to two objects, push one object off a table, and watch as the second one slowly moves toward the edge before falling. When I was little I used to love tying things up with string: my climbing frame often had some weird pattern in it made from my skipping rope (Mum would make me take the rope down in case my brother ran into it and got hurt).

So this purple ribbon has been a de-stresser today: in the library I've been running it through my fingers, waving it through the air and just watching it flicker in response to the slightest twitch of my wrist. I wrapped it round my fingers in a patterned way, then as tight as I could get it, then around my wrists. It just feels good.

I wonder why it is that a ribbon can bring me so much joy.