Still a way to go...

Earlier this week I had a nice phone call with my brother - he's non-verbal, so our phone calls usually consist of me enthusing over the things his carers have told me he's been up to and speaking to him happily about my day. Usually he only listens for a few seconds, maybe half a minute if I'm lucky, before he pushes the phone away. This time after he pushed the phone away the carer who came back on told me that he was clapping, which he does when he's really excited, so I'm feeling great that speaking to him left him feeling this great!

I was relating this to someone earlier today, who I thought I'd told about my brother. It turns out that, at least to this person's memory, I hadn't explained much beyond "He has profound autism." I'm happy to explain more about him, so then I told her about what he's like day to day. Then she asked more about the theories of autism - is it something different in the brain, are people with autism aware of having different thought processes, so what parts are autism and what parts are other disabilities or personality, so how do people with autism concentrate on one thing when they're overwhelmed by stimuli, so how is my Asperger Syndrome different to his autism and to other family members' autism... It's been a while since I've had to give such an explanation and had to clear up some misconceptions (including that autism isn't an illness, for starters), and annoyingly since the conversation was in Spanish (I speak pretty well, but my vocabulary on autism is very limited) I doubt I explained things that well.

After the event it feels similar to when I've had Asper-communication fails, where my point hasn't come across because I've not quite understood the meaning of what the person's saying, because I can't find the words to express what I want to say, or because the words I use come out wrong and can mean something different. Speaking Spanish that I've learned through listening (I studied Spanish formally for 6 months aged 16, then for 8 months aged 19) is a lot like trying to speak English when my Asperger plays up. Hmm, I'd not considered it like that before. Maybe that's one way to describe what it can be like having Asperger?  Trying to learn another language by ear, since there aren't verb tables for how to 'be'. I wish I were better at picking up languages.

When I have Asper communication issues, I feel awful, but with Spanish communication issues I'm now feeling annoyed and a bit bad about it but I don't see it as my fault for not knowing how to do something. I wonder if the times when I have felt bad (beyond annoyed, that is) for not knowing something in Spanish is more due being stressed and feeling Asper? Or maybe I'm just trusting more that people can on the whole understand me even though I make mistakes, and that it isn't too bad that I don't speak perfectly.

I've gone off-topic, I'll redirect.

A few years ago I took part in a documentary to try to clear up some of the misconceptions about Asperger Syndrome, which I've blogged about before. The conversation I had earlier highlighted to me just how much more awareness-raising there still needs to be. I think that the documentary's tagline says it all, really - "If you have met one person with Asperger Syndrome, you have met one person with Asperger Syndrome."

The link to where the documentary was previously hosted is out of date, so here's the new link.

I really dislike watching videos of myself when I was younger, so today I only rewatched the first minute to check that the link worked. Even when I watched the final version of the documentary I didn't feel that I'd explained things as well as I could have, but it gives an idea of my thoughts at that time. 

Asking for reassurance is no bad thing

I'll start this update on life-in-Spain by saying that on the whole things are going really well and I'm happy, which I have to say has happily surprised me since I was so apprehensive before coming here.

Last weekend I had my first 'large' blip since I came here, and even then at the time I knew that it would pass soon. That's a fair bit of progress considering how I was a few years ago and would find it hard to think clearly when overwhelmed or depressed. This time it wasn't caused by anything too big: on my walk home from school I suddenly felt really lonely, and was quite tearful for the rest of the day and the day after.

Things that didn't help:
- I still haven't found a regular social group
- Occasionally I'm not understood when I speak Spanish, or once or twice people have spoken to me in English since they think I don't understand, and I'm too embarrassed to correct them
- Alternatively I feel bad when I don't understand something, especially since I'm still getting used to hearing different accents
- For my second month in Spain I'd had a second job looking after three young kids in the afternoons: this became too tiring and I left, so I was still feeling sad about that since I really did like those kids
- I'm still not sure what I'm doing in Spain, where does this fit into the big picture?
- I miss my friends and family in the UK
- Having social issues and initiating conversations is difficult enough in my own language, let alone in Spanish!

On the other hand, I tried to think about the positives:
- Considering I have social issues and am not fluent in the language, I'm still here and even when I was down I wasn't tempted to come back to the UK, which really sets this apart from my four-month stay in Norwich a few years ago
- Some of the teachers in the school have been really friendly and have gone out of their way to help me settle in
- I'm still trying out different groups, I had a lot of fun with a board games group where we largely talked about the games we were playing, so hopefully they'll have another session soon
- The flat and my flatmate are still great
- I had no prior experience teaching primary kids and the school's happy to keep me on for another year, so I must be doing something right!

Even though I was feeling down and didn't want to leave my room (it was a Friday afternoon when this hit so I didn't have to force myself), I was still able to think rationally and objectively consider the positives. That helped me to not get too bogged down in the sadness.

What helped the most though, was remembering that in times when I have needed support, I've received it from my friends. I no longer feel that I have to hide my feelings, it doesn't benefit me and I trust that my friends don't think any less of me for struggling sometimes. So I put up a Facebook message, and soon I was getting reassurance and support from people back home. I felt a little bit bad that this might seem a bit needy, but I reasoned that I'd want to know if someone I knew was feeling down so I could do what I could to help. Feeling cared for is such an important human need, why does culture say that we have to pretend that we can always cope alone?

In the end, one of my workmates who saw my Facebook post invited me out with her friends and their kids for the evening, which did me the world of good. Another former classmate who lives nearby suggested we meet up another day. Little by little, I'm starting to get to know people and feel more confident living here, which is great so I'm not beating myself up as much when things aren't perfect. Things're good, sometimes I struggle but there are people who'll listen and just be there, which is what we sometimes need.

A big move

I finally got a job, without the need for an interview, for something I'd applied for about a year ago. I'm now a classroom English language assistant in Madrid.

The email came out of the blue - it arrived when I was at a weekend in CenterParcs with a group I'd not met before, I was too stunned to acknowledge it then. The program is organised by the Department of Education in Spain, and they wanted an answer immediately. A week later, having attended and heard back about another unsuccessful interview, I decided to accept it.

I flew over on the night of 1st January, and stayed in a hostel for the first week. My mum came with me for the first eight days to help me look for accommodation, and to provide moral support. I've been here for 11 days, and have only had three blips so far, which I think is pretty good considering I've left everything and everyone behind, on top of not being fluent in the language and having social issues.

So far things are good - the job's great, the kids I'm teaching are sweet, the other staff are friendly, and my live-in landlady's lovely. I'm now living in a suburb of Madrid, about half an hour from the centre by train, and I've tried two meet-up groups so far. I didn't think much of the first one (too many people in too little space), the second one was a writers' group where we wrote in complete silence for hours, so not quite the environment I was looking for. Still, I feel okay being here, which surprises me to be honest. Hopefully things will continue this well!