I am who I am

Last week I started ‘coming out’ as an Aspie. And you know what? It felt absolutely great!

It started when Liz was walking to campus with me one morning. We were chatting about general stuff, then about my issues. I told her I was depressed and likely to be Aspie, she said “Okay” and advised me on finding a good doctor to do a diagnosis. So that was encouraging.

A few hours later I was talking to Sally and about how varied Asperger’s is (we were touching on it briefly in lectures that day), and I mentioned that I was different to someone else I know with Asperger's. “Oh, are you Aspie?” she asked. “Undiagnosed, but I think so.” “Ah cool,” and then we kept chatting.

Jen said “Oh okay” when I briefly mentioned it, and I got a similar response from Amy. I’m talking to Cat a bit more about how I feel about my ‘traits’, and I think it makes sense that I’m Aspie.

To be honest, I’m relieved that my friends didn’t automatically say “No you’re not”, like some doctors and therapists and clergymen have - the fact that they seem to accept the possibility without making it an issue makes it seem more ‘real’ to me, but in a really good way.

I’ve also started letting a few more traits show: the other day I was walking past a row of trees, and felt such joy in running my fingers along the branches, feeling each individual leaf on my hand (admittedly pulling out the thorns later wasn’t such fun, but it was worth it). Another time I felt like freezing when I was walking home, so I did. There were no cars or people about, and it just felt so peaceful to ‘be’ there in the moment, just standing frozen in place. I’m no longer trying to stop myself from flicking my fingers together when I feel like doing so - if my actions don’t harm anybody, why should I try and change?

Admittedly I’m tempted sometimes when talking to somebody to look away or change the subject or walk away for a bit, but I won’t do those things - to not control these impulses wouldn’t be fair.

So… I’m still on a 5-month waiting list or so. I’m happy enough in my skin at the moment, I think I’ve accepted myself as an Aspie, and it means the world to me that my friends seem to be doing so too.