Thursday 16th June, 2005
Today Nicki was back at school and I felt shunted again. I think maybe I'm the one being hostile. I don't even try to join Mel and Nicki to make a group. Why? I don't like being in a group. It's either one-to-one or nothing. It's completely mad and I hate it. Why's it like that? I think I'm Asperger's, They have social problems. But I've been diagnosed as borderline, but I'm still 'normal'. I don't get it. I don't understand it. When I try, I end up getting panicky. I know that Asperger's people are like that - I researched it. I'm feeling panicky now, so I'll stop it.
I had a look through my diaries for anything relating to Asperger's: this is the first entry I found, from when I was 14. I'm still looking now, and have just found some poetry that I wrote. I'll put the poetry in a blog post, then keep searching for Asperger's references.
I found the entry where I talk about finding papers, but no reference is made there to one of the papers being from my childhood assessment for autism. So far I haven't found anything else relating to Asperger's or directly describing social issues (although reading some of the interactions, it seems clearer to me now that social issues did exist).
Wednesday 3rd January, 2007
"So we talked. It wasn't as fluid as I'd hoped. I had trouble starting at first... my mouth and brain didn't really click together. Ella suggested I write it down instead."
I was 16 at this point - this phrase sums up in a way how I sometimes get when trying to initiate conversations. I just don't know where or how to start them, and when I do, sometimes I stumble over words, or don't know when to stop, or it sounds stilted and forced. I wish that this wasn't the case: how can I rely on others to always start conversations? For the most part I get by okay, since a lot of my friends are talkative, however there are some people with whom I just don't know how to talk. If they start the conversation, this works without too much problem, then we go back to silence even though I know it should be my turn to speak. I don't know how to explain this to people, though, without seeming unfriendly and antisocial.
I've just skimmed through all of my diaries, and have finished reading the last entry (just before Christmas of my first year at uni). I can't find anything else really relevant to being Aspie or that go into depth about social problems, so I'll leave it at this for now. That, and it's gone 2am and my eye's twitching, so sleep is in order.